


every memory fades away till it's gone. where did you go?

by clairina



Category: One Direction (Band), Radio 1 RPF
Genre: M/M, Please Forgive me, this is really messy and not at all a proper fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-04-16
Updated: 2014-04-16
Packaged: 2018-01-19 16:05:42
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,461
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1475803
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/clairina/pseuds/clairina
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>harry loses his memory after five years of them being together. they were engaged. thats it. summaries suck.</p>
            </blockquote>





	every memory fades away till it's gone. where did you go?

**Author's Note:**

> so theres a happy and a sad ending because i couldnt decide what i wanted, so choose i guess?

when nick gets home that night he is in shock. actual shock. not just like 'omg my favourite fictional character died after finding his one true love' shock. but more like a mind numbing emptiness inside of him that he cant seem to shake off. his perception seems dulled and as he opens the door to his flat and steps in it doesnt feel like home. it is different to how it has been this morning. like somethings gone. like someone came in here and took the one thing that made it his home and just left some empty and cold flat for him to get back to. which of course is nonsense. nothing has been changed in the last twelve hours. there are still about five pairs of suede boots lying next to the door and theres a clammy towel thrown over one of the chairs and puppys there and everything is exactly the same. except it isnt and nick feels like an alien in his own home.  
going into the kitchen to find a neatly written note pinned to the fridge doesnt really benefit the state he is in. 

_hiii x_  
 _the trailer of the new jonah hill movie came on after you were gone and i spilled my drink because it was so funny and i know you hate movies but we need to watch it, please :) just writing it down because we both know i will remember nothing of it tonight._  
 _love you, h_

  
the second he gets to the last sentence is also the point he breaks down for the first time since he has gotten the call this morning. the irony of it all - of harry writing something down because he might forget about it - takes the numbness away for a moment and replaces it with an icy hand ripping nicks heart right out of his chest which is heaving with dry sobs.

\---

nick has always found it ridiculously exaggerated when people in books or films puked out of shock or sadness or whatever. he always thought it was a bit much and not very realistic. his mind is changed now. he actually feels the need to formally apologize to every screen writer he ever offended. they apparently don't exaggerate at all he has just never been that sad before. he is aware of his miseducation now. because although he has been brushing his teeth like a maniac for about five minutes he can still taste the burning sourness at the back of his throat. it has been lingering there the whole night and after puking his guts out until there literally was nothing left for him to throw up it still isnt gone. the upside of it all might be that he can be sure he wont throw up when he loses his nerves once aimee and him are going to arrive at the hospital. there is no chance in hell that there's anything left in his gut to be heaved up. sadly that is just a minor compensation for the things he is about to do. its like - _hey, the love of your life doesnt remember you or anything he has ever felt for you but you will definitely not vomit right into his face._ great prospects.

  
three soft knocks on the bathroomdoor interrupt his thoughts and aimee ducks her head in as he rinses his mouth.

  
"everything alright, grim? we should get going." the thing with aimee being here is - he's really greatful for her. he always has been. but she's being careful and nice around him and thats the worst sign he could have ever gotten. any crisis or disaster he has ever been in...aimee's been there kicking his ass until he's gotten off it and moved on. now she actually looks worried and sad herself and thats almost worse than what the doctors or anne and gemma say. because aimee is supposed to be there to hit him until he's over whatever he's been suffering from. she is definitely not supposed to be guiding him out of his own damn flat with her hand on his back.

no warning speech any doctor could have given him would have been able to prepare him properly. sure, getting the news was bad and ripped his heart out but standing here now and looking at harry and seeing - well, not seeing - the reaction to nick in his eyes crushes his whole damn soul. it makes him want to leave immediately because harry looks normal,is the thing. there seems to be nothing wrong with him. no reason for him to be any different. yet he still doesnt act normal around nick. his face doesn't light up when he spots nick in the door and that has never happened before. never. up until now nicks hope has been that its all just a big prank or whatever. but here he is...getting actual proof that harry - _his harry_ \- doesnt remember him.  
apparently his body reacts by backing off because he bumps into aimee who's standing behind him. she softly nudges him back into the room where harry is observing the scene from his bed and anne is getting up from her chair with already open arms.

  
"nick...love, come here. are you alright? oh, dear. it'll be fine...you'll be fine." maybe he should say something. is he supposed to console her as well? _sorry your son lost his memory...must be shit?_ probably something along those lines but he really doesnt want to. he doesnt feel it. everything he feels is numb so he doesnt talk. just lets her shower him with comforting words and then listens to her talking to harry and he thinks he hears his name somewhere in there and then harry looks at him. right at him. furrowed brow and the most concentrated expression. the spark of hope that flames up inside of nick is extinguished after a few moments though when harry's face goes from concentrated to apologetic.

  
"I dont...sorry...there's nothing-..." it hurts, so bad, to hear how honestly sorry he is for not remembering. that probably makes it even worse. this way nick cant just pity himself and be angry at harry. no...now he feels the need to wrap his arms around him and rock him and tell him everything is going to be fine. but he has no right or reason to do that anymore so he just nods. or he tries to. and he thinks he lets out a _'yeah'_ but that might also get lost on the way out. he doesn't know and he doesn't care and when he tries to back away this time aimee is close behind him with her hand coming up to his shoulder.

 

\---

 

nick doesnt go back to the hospital after that. he's seen enough. harry doesnt know who he is and the doctors say he probably never will. no, right...they say 'its highly improbable' which means 'give up your stupid hopes and move the fuck on.' and somehow he does. he goes to work, he takes puppy out, he showers, he eats. in conclusion : he leads a proper life. with one big problem though. he doesnt know how to enjoy that proper life without harry in it. its not really the same without harry secretly picking him up from work at the backentrance so the public doesnt notice, or without harry talking to puppy like they actually do have serious conversations, or without harry sneaking into the shower behind him and just leaning against his back without even saying a word after a long day of work. god, even without watching harry attempt to eat their chinese takeaway with the chopsticks that came with it he doesnt know how to do it. its not even him being overly dramatic or too caught up in anything but he's spent the last three years of his life with this boy and now hes gone. well, technically he's still there. and nick's gone.  
one thing he doesnt pretend to be able to do without harry though is go out. its only been a week since it happened and theres not a single bone in his body that wants to leave the flat. harrys home with his parents. nick knows that. he knows that harry is safe and healthy and taken care of but that doesnt change the fact that his life is out of order and he wants to stay in. so he does.  
its a friday night and nick is sitting on his sofa. the bottle of red wine he opened a minute ago is resting in his hand while he stares at the tv. which isnt even on. but he cant seem to look away and its not like he has anything to do or anyone to meet that would keep him from staring at his black tv screen. except he does apparently. because there are keys opening the front door and his heart sinks a little because theres always hope and then he hears gillians voice calling his name and he's back to numbly staring at the tv.

"grim? hey babe...i thought you might need company. and another bottle of wine...mind if i join?" 

she's talking like you would to a crazy person. nick can hear that. the careful tone to avoid sending them over the edge with anything. he can pretty much hear her thinking _why are you staring at your telly? what is going on with you?_ but he doesnt answer.

"right...so listen...i talked to aimee and...gosh...we think it might be better for you if you...dunno...like, get rid of his stuff? i mean-"  
no. he wont. he wants to protest. he really does. but he just cant find the nerve to do so and somehow the only reaction he manages is for his eyes to go a bit bigger as they are boring holes into the black screen in front of them. 

"-not like throw them away but...pack them up. maybe give them back to him. you dont need to be reminded of it in every room you go, nick...that's cruel. just...consider it, yeah? we'll help you or do it for you if you want...just say when." 

sure, he'll say when. never. because this is harrys flat just as much as its his right now and he knows that he shouldnt have any hope left but he cant stand the thought of harry getting his memory back and wanting to come home to find all of his things being stuffed away. that must feel awful. to find every single one of your traces erased out of someones life. if he could find it in himself to do so he would snort right now. but he doesnt. 

"it's almost time for bake off." 

"nick, bake offs on wednesday...its friday."

"oh..."

 

\---

 

  
when he comes into the kitchen everyone's already up and doing things. his mum is preparing whatever food she is hiding in the pan in front of her and gemmas sitting at the table with a bowl in front of her. she looks up when he enters the room and his mum turns around, both giving him the worried look they have perfected over the past couple of weeks. 

"morning, baby. everything good? how'd you sleep?" after three weeks of him being home theres still the undertone of _do you remember anything new?_ in his mums voice and it still frustrates him that he doesnt. 

"good, yeah... what are you cooking?"

"just some chicken i wanted to roast for later but listen, i need to get going now. robins got an appointment i need to take him to. gemma is going to be here all day if you need anything, right, gem?" due to the cereal in her mouth gemma makes a noice harry cant quite define but it seems to be enough of an answer for their mum who now only looks about 90% worried out of the 150% she normally gets up to. "good...right...you guys will be fine by yourselves, yeah?"

"yes, mum. we will. he didnt forget how to live and my brain works properly as well. go." its quite hard for him to suppress a chuckle at that because - yes its depressing and frustrating and the shittiest situation hes ever been in - but he really appreciates gemmas dry humour and his mum is extremely overprotective these days. but she listens to gemma and leaves. not without kissing his cheek on her way out of course.  
humming along to the song on the radio gemma gets back to her newspaper and cereal as he raids the cabinets for something edible. he thinks he'd fancy some cereal as well, he actually has been thinking about that all night yesterday when he'd been reading articles about himself and the guys on the internet. and while he pours himself some into one of the bowls he and gemma had painted for their mum when they were little he recaps the stories he read last night. he's over learning facts about his career and stuff, he's got those covered. last night he spent his time on rumours and speculations that have been printed about him. the song gemma has been humming along to crosses into another one as he sits down opposite her and she stops humming and looks at him as if hes eating a rabbit or something.

"what?"

"nothing.." he recognizes the way she clears her throat though. theres been a lot of that going on. its the 'i thought of something i shouldnt tell you because you lost your memory of it' cough. their mum does those all the time. but gemmas not their mum and she actually goes on. "you...normally don't eat that. it's got raisins and stuff in it...and...yeah. you hate raisins."  
he wants to spit out the cereal in his mouth then and there. he doesnt though because it actually doesnt taste bad to him which makes him want to get it out of his mouth even more since apparently he is not supposed to like it. 

"you alright?" 

"fine.." he isnt really. frustrated would fit much better but shes already pitying him enough as it is so he doesnt need to fish for it as well. instead he just keeps on eating his cereal and listens to the radio where the song is just ending which means nick will come on and thats at least a bit of a ray of hope because hes hilarious and harry loves listening to him. he can see why they would be friends because he cant go a minute without laughing when nick talks about his day or his dog or his friends. 

_"you know...children dont seem to mince matters really so when i went round my friends house last night her son looked at my wrist, like kept staring at it, and then as dry as ever asked me why i wasnt wearing my captains hat - cause you know, anchor on my wrist means i'm a sailor or summat so i should be wearing my captains hat at all time. which is correct. i should be, soz. glad i was wearing long sleeves though, the cross probably wouldve confused him..."_

  
anchor. cross. tattooed on his body. harry feels sick when he looks down at his left hand to find both of these things engraved into his skin. sure, hes been wondering about all of his inks and where he got them and why but his mind has never gotten to the question _for whom._

"harry?"

"did i...i mean, are these...?"

"he had the anchor before you even knew each other...but you got urs like...based on his, yes."

"what about the crosses?"

"you got those within a week...when you were on tour..."

  
harry's not hungry anymore. its fucked up that he apparently liked this person so much that he got tattoos for or with or because of him and now he isnt even visiting. he doesnt call or text or come to see him. apparently they have been so close that everyone talked about it and thought they were dating or hooking up or whatever. apparently harry spent every bloody second of his free time attached to nick and now he's not even worth visiting anymore. its frustrating, is the thing. frustrating and confusing and just - it doesnt make sense. harry thinks nick is hilarious and nice and eventhough he just listens to his show in the mornings he feels like he knows him a bit and he likes him. he's so sure that hes a person harry would have been friends with so why on earth would that stop when he loses his memory? what could he possibly forget about that made nick not even want to come back once?  
he knows gemma doesnt tell him the whole truth. he forgot many things but not how to read his sister and it physically hurts him to know that theres something people are keeping from him. one piece of the puzzle seems to be missing but he cant quite figure out what it is yet.

 

 

harry pushes that thought to the back of his mind when gemma suggests to go out for a stroll and just wander around holmes chapel for a bit. _desperately trying to bring back any memories_ he thinks but he doesnt say anything like that. just smiles and follows her through the streets. he looks at the cute houses with their neat front yards and tries to act at least a bit interested when she tells him about the people living there and the things they've been up to which he doesnt remember.  
they come by his school after about half an hour. he knows that without gemma telling him. somehow the memory of his school is something his brain thought was worth holding on to. it's a nice feeling. to recognize something and not needing someone to explain it to you so he stays there for a bit. just looks at the building he spent most of his childhood in and enjoys wallowing in memories while he still can. they'll leave and get back to his parent's place and there he'll see pretty much everything of the last three years of his life and he wont remember any of it. he definitely deserves to stay here for a bit. so they do. until even for him it gets boring to just stare at an empty building.  
"come on, we'll walk home through the fields, yeah...bit nicer than the streets." gemma doesnt look back to check if he follows. she just walks off. it feels nice though. everyone always tiptoes their way around him careful not to trigger anything. she doesnt. which might mean that she could also be the only one that would tell him things he apparently isnt supposed to hear.

"gem.."

"yup?" she doesnt slow down or turn around to properly listen to him, just keeps on walking in a swinging motion as if she's listening to a song in her head. so he clears his throat and speaks up because he needs his question to be heard.

"why does nick never visit me?" the song apparently stops playing then because she freezes in her tracks and turns around. theres a frown on her face and she somehow seems uncomfortable - which he didnt mean to happen. he doesnt want people to feel uncomfortable because of something he says or does. maybe thats it though...maybe thats what happened. maybe he made nick uncomfortable.

  
"he...tried." okay...what kind of answer is that? how can you _try_ to visit a friend? and why would you not go through with it? how did he try and why does harry not know of any attempted visit? there are about a million more question coming up in his head but he decides to voice just one of them.

"why didnt he do it?"

"harry.."

"why did he only try and not really visit if we were like...friends?" _and why is everyone making such a big secret out of it?_ maybe he'd get what the big deal is if somebody just told him. if anyone should know about a secret concerning him then it probably should be he himself, right? "if we were as close as every paper wrote...why doesnt he care anymore?" he still doesnt get an answer though. gemmas expression gets more uncomfortable and she visibly tries to find words to give him the information he wants, but she doesnt. and then he thinks he might have been looking at it the wrong way. maybe it isnt nick who holds a secret or something... "gemma, what did i do?" 

"you...god. nothing, harry. you didnt do anything. its not your fault, okay? its just...harder for him than you think it is...seeing you and not being able to- you know..."  
"being able to what? what cant he fucking do? why is no one tell-"

"you were engaged." her voice is smaller than he has ever witnessed it but the words still cut through him as if shes yelling them right in his face. three tiny little words and everything he read last night comes up again. _more than just a bromance? nick grimshaw and harry styles seen leaving the sony after party looking cosy. - "i think i'd like to have a boyfriend this year" - "he just makes me laugh a lot." - "we are both northern." - reunited after one directions world tour harry styles and dj-pal nick grimshaw head out to support their friend rita ora._ he feels sick then. really gut wrenchingly sick. because nick is his friend. he's funny and sweet and incredibly cool. harry knows that from listening. knows that he would be friends with someone like that. pals. who go out and get drunk and have fun.  
being engaged to nick is a completely different thing though, because its frustrating and confusing not to remember certain events or friends from your past but its a whole lot harder not to remember being in love like that. with a man. 

 

\---

 

nick cant say he's very delighted or amused when his phone rings him awake at 03:47 am. every sane person he knows wouldnt call him this late - no, early already - and every insane person he knows doesnt have his number. so yes, he is a little grumpy when it doesnt stop vibrating against the metal of his bedside table and he is actually forced to do something about it. the anger turns into sickness when he sees who's calling.

"hello?"

"I need to see you."

"I-"

"we were engaged." his heart literally stops beating at that. if he's still dreaming this all sounds amazingly realistic. its so convincing that he sits up and thinks about rushing to the bathroom to avoid throwing up into his sheets with nervousness.

"do you rem-"

"no..." oh. right. false alarm then. the nervousness is immediately gone all together. and welcome back to the big fat hole in his chest. he lets out a sigh and leans back into a lying position. it hurts to hear the sadness in harry's voice. how sorry he is when that one syllable leaves his mouth. no.  
"gemma told me...i need to talk to you." in that moment nick realizes how much he misses hearing harry's voice. his soft and mumbly almost 4 am voice dreading to get the words out at a normal human beings speed. "please, nick." problem is... nick doesnt wanna talk to harry. well, he does. theres nothing he wants more on this stupid planet. but not if he doesnt remember. not if his eyes are going to be filled with a mixture of politeness you show strangers and an apologetic sadness every time he looks at nick. not if he doesnt fucking remember him. "nick."

"its 4am."

"i'm outside your flat."

 

\---

 

puppy is so excited to see harry finally back in their flat that it breaks nicks heart all over again. he hasnt seen her wriggling around like that in so long and watching her enjoy the affection she gets is harder than it should be. _he's not who you think he is, love. let it go._ only then he realizes what is about to happen and before he can do anything about it puppy forces herself to contain her excitement and sit in front of harry. as still as she can, intently watching and waiting for him to make his move. he doesnt. 

"shes waiting for you to give her a treat. you... tell her to sit and then give her one." every single one of these stupid words hurt on their way out. as if hes throwing up pieces of glass or something. "come 'ere, puppy." the only reaction he gets is a turned head and a confused look before she turns her attention back to harry. as if hes just testing how long she can sit that still. as if shes sure that he'll be giving her that damn treat any second now. "puppy! go to bed." this time she listens to him. she looks back and forth between him and harry before she gets up and trots back to her bed actually looking disappointed. she probably looks like she always does but nick is sure that her ears are hanging down and her expression seems hurt. 

"i'm sorry."

"do you want tea?" harry hesitantly nods. nick's glad, that means he can turn around and do something. he wont be forced to look at the beautiful face scrunched up into an apologetic mask attached to the beautiful body he wants to hug so desperately.  
as he makes his way over to get to his task he thinks he hears harry taking off his shoes and ridiculous as it is, that also hurts. because he doesnt just kick them off his feet and into the next corner like he usually does. he neatly places them next to the door like you would at a strangers house. 

"i want you to tell me our story." sadly putting on a kettle doesnt take very long so nicks left with nothing to do and has to look at harry awkwardly standing in the middle of the kitchen. its strange how nick knows that harrys absence has been the reason for this flat not feeling like home to him anymore yet now that he's actually there he looks out of place. "like...everything that happened." seriously? why didnt he just bring a knife and stab nick right in his bloody heart?

"thought you did your research on that." he notices how his defence mechanism makes that sentence sound rude. like hes standing there and being bitchy to blow harry off but he neither has the guts nor any idea how to change that.

"i know the facts, yes. but i want the truth. your version of it." it might be very reasonable to demand that but nicks not so sure where or how to start. what's he supposed to do? give a quick summary of the last five years? _here's how we went to hell and back because we werent supposed to fall in love and still did in short form?_ maybe its just his lack of whatever but he doesnt fucking know how to _tell his version of it._

"i dont know what you want me to-"

"when did we start dating?"

"its not that easy." nick knows he cant actually hate harry - his body isnt build for that - but he feels like this is the closest he might ever come to doing so because sure, its not his fault that he remembers nothing of the last five years. nick gets that. but it is his fault that he is standing here at 4 in the morning asking nick - who does remember every bloody little detail of that time - to relive all of it. its cruel and nick doesnt wanna do that to himself.

"its not that easy?" nick also knows - or thinks he knows - that harry never gets angry. but that might be a feature of old harry because the one standing in front of him is tensing up and looking really annoyed. "you know whats not easy? to not know shit about the past five years of your life...to read about how you are the biggest womanizer planet earth has ever seen just to find out that you are engaged to a man who obviously doesnt give a fuck about you anymore. that is not easy, okay?" he takes it back. harry's not angry. well, maybe a little. but the way his eyes water up and his voice cracks towards the end of his speech tells nick that he's definitely not angry. he's confused. but nick's still not sure what to say. "just tell me how it started? please... thats all i'm asking for now."

so he does. he goes all the way back to the summer of 2012 and tells harry how they were attached at the hip and went out and got drunk almost every night and that somewhere during that time nick went from thinking harry was an idiot to thinking harry was an idiot who he would really like to marry and that one night where he was particularly drunk harry made sure to hold back on his dose of alcohol because he knew nick would drop his 'I'm not going to take advantage of a young straight child' act once he was pissed enough and that that would be his chance to make a move. and he did and they ended up snogging eachothers faces off in nicks bed before falling asleep on top of each other. the sad thing is how good he feels while he tells that story and how bad it hurts when hes finished and realizes that thats what it is. a story. something that could be completely made up because theres no evidence. not for the part where they felt so close to each other that it actually hurt to be apart for more than a few hours. the evidence for that has been destroyed alongside harry's memory.  
harry leaves after that because its almost 5.30 and nick has to get ready for work. of course he thanks nick for the tea which means he didnt lose that trait of old harry. its nice to discover things that stayed the same instead of constantly finding more things that are gone. 

"nick?" he intently watches harry put on his left shoe first - like he always does - and probably seems like a total creep when he looks up again. "were you my first-"

"guy?" harry gives a shy nod, obviously embarrassed by his question.

"I was. yeah. you dont date...didnt date genders. more like... persons. if you loved them you'd love them, whether they had a dick or not." harry smiles at that. not a real one that lights up his whole face but its still nice to see.

"i'm sorry, nick. i really like you...i mean...you know-"

"yeah." he doesnt wanna hear it. theres not going to be a romantic happy ending where he manages to make harry fall for him all over again. that happens in movies and books, not in his life. so he cuts him off before he can rip nicks heart into even smaller pieces. that will just make it harder to put it back together. 

"can i come back for the rest of the story?" say no. his brain is yelling at him to say no and tell him to ask gemma or one of the boys to tell him the rest. for his own sanity. so that he doesnt have to relive it and pretty much help harry with breaking him for good. say no! no.

"of course." 

 

\--

 

as expected nick finds himself exactly where he didnt want to end up. spending most of his free time with harry who seems eager to fit as many questions into the time nick gives him as he possibly can. its fine, nick thinks. harry has a right to know all that stuff from someone who can actually give him the real story; but the problem is that its happening all over again. despite the five year gap nick feels like he is back with 17 year old harry, getting to know him and admiring every single one of his moves while trying to weasel his way into nicks life. of course thats not the worst thing that could happen but there is that one tiny problem that nick remembers. nick remembers their first kiss and their first shag and the first time harry whispered _i love you_ into his shoulder and he cant just put that on hold and act like hes fine with things. he doesnt wanna get to know harry all over again. he doesnt wanna help him find the real him. he doesnt wanna do anything, he just wants his life back.

still here he is, sitting in their usual spot at the groucho watching harry listen to gillian and the story of their night as hanson. its horrible to look at really. how he just fits in again. not as effortlessly and normal as he used to but he definitely belongs there.

"grim, you need to tell him to pipe it down. let someone else fill him in. i do enjoy being a sadist from time to time but not even i can watch you hurting yourself like that." he doesnt need to avert his eyes to identify aimee as the wise counsellor. her american accent and the fact that she’s 100% right gives it away pretty fast.

"he likes me."

"of course he does. he’s smitten with you..but thats not…its not fair to you, hun."

"what about in sickness and in health?"

"you werent married, nicholas. you might think this is romantic and hes gonna fall for you again or that this is your duty, but its not. you can just walk away. nobody is going to jud-"

"he might." he hates himself a little in that moment. one of the things he kept telling himself from the beginning is that he wouldnt hope for harry to be with him again. it has practically become his daily prayer. _he is not going to fall for you again and you are not going to go back to your life together. forget it, grimshaw_. turns out he’s not that good at following his own advice.

"he’s not even sure if he’s into guys, for christs sake. stop fooling yourself. he likes you and the little stories you tell him, yeah? did you tell him about how you almost didnt make it through him leaving all the time and turning you into a fucking mess? did you tell him about you fucking someone else because you felt so alone while he was gone? or about the time where the paps followed your every step and you received actual deaththreats so you were forced to let eachother go? what about those things, hm?"

he knows these were rhetorical question because a) he didnt. he is a selfish little prick and thought he could just keep all the shit he did from harry to make him want to go back to their life. and b) aimee doesnt even give him time to answer.

"you cant just tell him the good things and hope he’ll pick up where you finish the story, nick. you went through shit you werent supposed to ever work out and actually end up together. that was against all odds. its not going to happen again."

"i know." but it still hurts like shit to hear someone else say it. there’s not enough booze in the world for him to drown all of that in.

"tell him the truth. all of it. and then tell him that you cant do this, please nick. dont waste another five years on the same relationship that was already doomed to fail the first time around."

aimee’s such a smart woman. and a good friend, too. he’s lucky to have her and he probably never admired someone more than her but right now he wants to take her vodka tonic and throw it in her face so she’ll stop looking at him with pity written all over it. there’s nothing left for him to say, is there? she’s right. he’s fucked. same old.  
if only he could keep his bloody eyes off harry for a second to at least pretend to agree with her. but he cant. lost memory or not harry’s still the most beautiful person nick has ever met and he cant even see his face right now.

 

\---

_**WARNING SAD ENDING AHEAD** _

naturally nick gives up all of his resolutions concerning getting his hopes up and lets himself fall back into the bottomless pit of love and obsession he's always been in with harry. he takes him places they've been before and they spend whole days together recounting everything that happened before harry lost his memory. of course it's not the same as before but it's something and nick is willing to settle for that. because he's so so sure that he can feel harry getting comfortable and harry around him again.  
after three months it seems like they are falling back into a routine and nick is secretly sure that harry maybe got some of his memory back and just isnt telling anyone. because he's back in the clique like nothing ever happened, charming and popular as ever, and he's basically attached to nick again. every night out - or in, for that matter - harry tags along. so it really is just a matter of time for them to end up alone in nicks flat, slightly drunk and overtired.

"mind if I bunk with puppy tonight?" harry's words are slurred and nick absolutely loves it so he forgets to answer for a second and just stares at the space where harry strangely keeps on patting the sofa cushions. "niiick? can I stay here?"

"'course. bed's big enough for two though so your choice, popstar." he nearly bites his tongue after that last word slips out. the last three months he hasnt used that name for harry because it didnt feel right with him forgetting about being a popstar and all. "your choice. gonna go brush my teeth." great cover up and even greater _I dont care what you choose I am totally cool with everything_ act. he'll just ignore the _please come to bed with me_ that is floating around in the back of his head. surely must be the alcohol.

"siiiiick. bed!" harrys fist pumps up into the air in excitement as nick turns around to leave for the bathroom and he's glad he's averted so no one can see his idiotic smile.

when he's all clean and ready for bed harry's already sprawled out in just his boxers and if nick needs any sign for anything then this is it.

"move."

"make me." it's half a mumbled groan half a cheeky grin harry does when nick dramatically pushes him aside to lie down.  
from there on either nick has a black out or things happen really fast because when his senses kick in the next time he has harry's face in his hands and their hips are grinding against each other and his lips are already sore from kissing. but apparently there's something stopping them from continuing.

"i slept with someone." oh well, that might be the reason for this whole action coming to a stop. now that he looks at harrys face properly he can see sorry written all over it.

"who?" he doesnt put his hands down or move them apart. that might be weird but he just cant.

"I...met him at one of your gigs. like...few weeks ago"

"oh." that's ironic, innit? that basically means nick introduced them.

"he's really n-...i like him." _oh_. now nicks body catches on and his hands sink down which harry takes as a sign to sit back and give nick at least some personal space with their legs and hips still being attached to each other.

"that's.." in his head he has gone over all the possible scenarios a million times. harry getting his memory back. harry hating him when he doesnt. harry falling back in love with him although he doesnt remember...but not in one of them has harry fallen for someone else and deliberately left him like that.

"i'm sorry, nick - i just...like...I guess I should leave." yes, he should. and nick should be terribly hurt and drown in self pity. which he does. but not on his own and with a tub of ben and jerrys like he should after throwing harry out. nope. that's not how his brain works. 

"no."

"what?"

"no." harry looks so confused it could be endearing if nick wasnt disturbed himself. disturbed and hurt and angry.

"nick it's unfair to you to-"

"you at least owe me a fucking goodbye." he knows how much he will hate himself for this in the next two to twenty years and how much shit he'll get from aimee and gellz and everyone really. he knows it. and he knows he's doing the wrongest thing of all wrong things on this planet but before harry can say more he stops him with a kiss. a messy and desperate kiss somehow ending up as a frantic attempt to show harry what he'll be missing; which works. he groans into it and his whole body practically slams back into nicks the next second. 

the whole thing turns into a desperate erratic fuck and there might be times where nick is rougher than necessary with harry but that is his bloody right. and if he hides his face in harrys shoulder when he comes because he doesnt want him to see how his eyes are watering up then that is his fucking problem and nobody elses.  
harry is gone when nick wakes up with a throbbing head and an aching heart. no trace of him in sight except the messed up sheets next to nick which are decorated with a way too familiar looking neatly written note.

_so sorry to do this to you and I know I dont deserve it but if you ever feel like getting in touch again please do. take care -h_

 

\---

_**WARNING HAPPY ENDING AHEAD** _

 

"you have a right to-"

"i dont want to hear it, nick. listen to-" bloody popstar children and their stubborn minds. here he is, being a proper adult and trying to end this by telling harry everything. for real this time. every low point they had - and there are so many of them. and what does he get? nothing. no...less than nothing. he gets a stubborn child refusing to listen to him.

"i _fucked_ someone else because you were gone! do you get that?" why the hell is that idiot not listening to him?

"yes, i get that. you told me though, didnt you?" something harry definitely didnt lose is his impossible ability to keep calm even in situations like these. if someone told nick that they cheated on him he would go mental. he doesnt even like it when his friends do something with eachother without telling him. but harry just looks at him. usual calm expression plastered to his face while he waits for an answer.

"yes, i called you the same night but-"

"and i forgave you?"

"yes, but-"

"its done then. leave it." nick's sure he's never been this angry. this was not supposed to go this way. that's not how he planned it. his plan consists of telling harry and harry getting disappointed and sad and disinterested and then harry leaves him and that means he did the right thing. his plan does not include harry just shrugging everything off.

"no. we are not supposed to work this-"

"yeah, i know. doomed once, doomed forever. i heard aimees speech last week. like...do you really believe that? I mean...am I like...is it not worth it? five years and all those times we almost didnt make it? you wanna give up on that?" nicks brain immediately yells the answer. _YOU DONT REMEMBER ME. YOU DONT LOVE ME ANYMORE. YOUR BRAIN GAVE UP ON IT._ but not one of these words leave his mouth. he doesnt want to get angry or yell at harry because its not his fault he doesnt remember.  
and its not a bad thing that he is still such a stupidly good person that he wants to do it all over again with a bloke he doesnt even remember. nick knows that thats one of the most romantic and nicest things anyone can probably do but it hurts. it hurts to have something offered and to be forced to turn it down. its not what you want, nick. he doesnt love you anymore.

"its late. got work in the morning." his throat already hurts saying this. he cant bring himself to actually directly tell harry to leave. not just his flat, but him. he cant do that. so he prays that harry just catches on and goes with it.

"are you throwing me out?" for a second he thinks he sees his harry. the one that pulls off his puppy eyes when nick tells him he cant have something. the one that just stares right into his soul waiting for nick to finally give him the cuddles and kisses he wants. but that harry is gone and he needs to sleep. usually he's not one for long and meaningful speeches but harry is still harry so he at least deserves to know the full truth.

"listen...you are...not...I was in love with you. so insanely in love...and...you loved me back. with all your stupid huge heart. and that was the first time anyone ever did that and i planned my life with that version of you. we planned for you to come out and to get married and to have kids. and besides it being completely unfair to force you into a relationship you cant remember it also feels like I'm cheating on you....past you. it might be stupid and total bullshit but I made my promise to you and I'm not gonna break it for something we'd both be unhappy with." and that is why he hates speeches. because his throat hurts and his knees are weak and his eyes are wet and he just wants to take back every single one of these stupid words and settle for what he's being offered. even if he knows its wrong. wrong is better than nothing.  
and of course, of fucking course, harry has to look like a beaten puppy. his eyes are even wetter than nicks and that's unfair. that's not how it's supposed to be. nick shouldnt be feeling sorry for him now. he is doing the right thing, for fucks sake.

"i love you." no, he doesn-

"what?"

"i love you. with all my stupid huge heart...i have been trying to tell you since i came here that i remember stuff. not everything. but i woke up and looked for you next to me and then felt crazy because you werent there and...like flashbacks keep happening. to things with the band as well...but...yeah...I mean...I love you."  
for the second time in his life nick is in shock. he knows the feeling now so he's sure. he definitely is in shock. he cant talk and he cant even really think straight. either he's dreaming very realistic things or harry just told him that he remembered him. 

"nick...?" 

"are you serious?" if he's joking this is the worst joke nick has ever heard. its not even remotely funny. not even in ten years. 

"i wouldnt say something like that if I wasnt." that's all the confirmation nick needs. because harry _remembers_. he looked for nick. he woke up and his mind told him to look for nick. even if that is the only thing he'll remember nick wont let that keep him from kissing him and hugging him so hard that he might actually squeeze him to death. this one tiny thing is enough for him. he's sure there is a way to make it work like that if nothing else comes back but for now he doesnt care. because he is here. harry. his harry is here and he is kissing him back exactly like he used to. needy and soft and perfectly matched to nick.  
its hard to let him go but nick's an adult and no matter how happy and excited he is his senses kick in soon enough.

"doctor. you should...think we need to-"

"already talked to them. said if it doesnt hurt or I get sick or summat I should surround myself with familiar things and wait it out." they are still standing in the stupid hallway. harry is still wearing his jacket and puppy is still locked in the livingroom because she wouldnt leave them alone. "so...like...mind if I come in?"

"its past midnight." it made more sense in his brain.

"okay...?"

"i mean...bed. sleep. we should...get your coat off." pathetic. that's what he is and this whole situation as well. he cant even form a sentence because of a bloody boy standing in his hallway and confessing his love.  
he manages to pull himself together a little though. at least enough to let puppy free and manouver both him and harry towards the bed where they directly settle into their usual position. _as if he wasnt even gone_. yes, he's happy and yes, it feels good but he still doesnt say that out loud. it's not real yet and it could still be gone tomorrow. so for now he just thinks it and if it's just for tonight, then that is fine, too. because tomorrow he might not be ready for losing him again, but he'll be prepared.

"it's good to be home, nick." harry's voice is already thick with sleep and the words are so dragged nick hardly understands them. but he does and he can neither keep the smile off his face nor his heart from picking up pace a bit when harry nuzzles his face into his shoulder before drifting off for good.


End file.
